Big decisions

My soul is restless as I find myself back in a familiar place. Adoption changes your life forever. Adoption gets in your blood. Seeing lives change so drastically is wonderfully amazing. It took me 48 years to say yes to God's calling in my life. Most days I feel I barely get it right. As a single parent it is tough to be all things at all times. Yet since arriving home last January with Joseph and Jacob...actually, since beginning the adoption journey months earlier...I felt this would not be the last time I walked this pathway. As time has gone on I found myself comfortable. I am blessed beyond words with two boys who are healthy and happy, who seem adjusted most of the time, whom I put to bed at 730 and don't hear from until 630 or 7 the next morning. Two boys who are used to (and love) the daycare experience and seem to understand that I must work to provide all that we have. God doesn't like comfortable.

I had a dream two nights ago. In this dream I was handed a baby girl and had the split second decision to save her life or let her die. I had just given birth to this child (definitely metaphoric) and she was not breathing and had a look on her face of death. Of course, I chose life and began mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Moments later there was another child on the way...a daughter I knew. Sunday morning the dream was so vivid and I began to ponder it's meaning. It took no time to understand that I do have this choice. I can choose to give another child life (perhaps two) or I can remain comfortable.

Why me God? Why is it that the same people are called repeatedly to this journey? Why can't the others simply do their part and the orphan crisis would cease to exist? I choose to live in the perfect center of God's will for me and for some crazy reason it appears I could be expanding my family again. Joseph recently asked for a little sister and I laughed and told him there was nothing else little coming in the house. I think God has something else in mind. I believe he has my daughter already chosen!!

Again, I ask why. I have my nice little house just as I want it, with hardwood floors installed in memory of my mother after her passing. I will need a bigger house. I have a car that seats four comfortably with room for two car seats only. I will need a bigger car. I have one about to start school and was rejoicing at the "pay raise" from no more daycare expense for him. Hmmm, could it be that this money will help pay the adoption expenses. Certainly I wouldn't feel the pain of another child in daycare. I should receive an inheritance from my Grandfather's estate. He passed away the end of January. What a legacy to use this for the adoption of his great granddaughter. I will most likely be committing professional suicide with another adoption. I am criticized regularly for what others perceive as lack of dedication to my job because of the time required to care for Joseph and Jacob if they get sick. Yet I was reminded in prayer last week that Christ promised we would be persecuted for choosing to follow him, so why should I expect anything different. I cannot even fathom fund raising with these two in tow. I have sold most of the baby items and will have to begin anew.

I ask for your prayers as I seek to follow HIS will for my life. I struggle knowing how old I will be when these children graduate from college. Joseph has begun to point out his skin color and today asked why mine was different. That doesn't bother me or him now, but will it him in a few years?

In a short update, the boys are doing great. In comparison to last year their health is wonderful. Spring has sprung early and the allergies have kicked in but we can live comfortably with that. Joseph continues to love "school" and is looking forward to his 5th birthday. He starts soccer next week. I've never done soccer before so this should be interesting. Jacob is two! Not much more to say than that he meets every definition of terrible two. Yet at the same time he can be so gentle and loving...well with his baby niece Emmalynn anyway. Hmmm again...perhaps God warming him up to the idea of a little sister! He is now wearing the same size clothes that Joseph wore when he first came to America. Amazing...simply amazing.

A walk down memory lane

As a result of this Mama not paying attention to daycare closure due to the holiday I am spending an unexpected Monday home with the boys. Yeah for a Monday off from work, right! Well, in trying to pass the morning I pulled up some pictures and videos of the Ethiopia Court and Embassy visits and quickly had a lap full of boys. We were laughing at the antics, at how they have grown, and trying desperately to figure out what Joseph was saying. He kept sadly shaking his head and saying "I don't remember" that is until I opened the video of them with their birth Mom. There was breathtaking silence and then Joseph grabbed me and in a pleading voice said "No Mama, I want to go home!" and then "where's Mama" as he searched the video for a glimpse of me. It took me a moment to realize he meant home as in here home. There was something about that video that transported him back to that orphanage in Ethiopia. I was trying to reassure him when Jacob's attention shifted from a movie he was watching to the video and suddenly he was sobbing hysterically and clinging to me. Needless to say the video ended quickly and I spent the next hour with Jacob unwilling to get out of my lap in obvious distress and Joseph following my every footstep.
What just happened? Obviously not what I intended. I believe these two were terrified, horrified in fact that their lives were fixing to change again. So how on earth do I figure out this balance of keeping their heritage strong and sharing their adoption story, yet protecting their hearts. She was a huge player in their lives and one who deserves to be remembered and honored. Yet I feel this is my cue to leave this portion of their lives untouched until they ask. Everything I ever read said to answer questions as they came. So does that mean to never mention their Ehmyay until they do? Until now I felt it was good for them to see the pictures periodically. In the beginning in fact there seemed to be something quite soothing to Joseph about doing so. Perhaps it is the length of time that has now passed. This one I just do not know. What I do know is it feels amazing that these two call me Mama and seek comfort in my arms. I will certainly be praying through this one.

Melkam Gena

Wow, holding to traditional Ethiopian holidays was harder than expected this year. Exhausted from all of the Christmas celebrations, Gotcha Day, and New Years I found it incredibly difficult to celebrate yet another Christmas. In about as nontraditional method as you can get, the boys and I spent most of the day at home...minus gifts. We talked about it being Christmas in Ethiopia and discussed some of the ways family and friends might be celebrating. With little interest from them, I didn't push the Ethiopia discussion. Jacob honestly doesn't remember, and Joseph...well, he just clams up every time I try to get him to talk. Maybe next year.
The highlight of our day was a quick bite at Wendy's and the very first hockey game! Kathy received tickets to the Nashville Predators vs Carolina Hurricanes game that conveniently coincided with this day. We had great seats and both boys thoroughly enjoyed the game. Sports and fights are right up their alley:) We made it about 2/3 of the way through and only left because I knew they needed to get to bed. Let's say Mama needed to get to bed so therefore they did! Melkam Gena!!

Gotcha Day 2011

I absolutely marvel at the fact that a year has passed. There are times it feels like Joseph and Jacob have always been a part of my life and others that feel like the journey has just begun. I was fortunate enough to be off from work to spend the day (December 30) with these two and I so wish every day could be like this one. It was as if they knew it was a special day. Everyone was on their best behavior and it was so easy to feel like the family we are. We started the morning out of conveniece at the pediatrician for Jacob's last two immunizations. He was delayed due to illness but has now caught up on immunizations and has no more due until his next birthday!! What a strange feeling to know I only take them to the doctor now for healthy check-ups or in the event of illness.  Fortunate enough also (or perhaps a gift from God) was the weather. Though it wasn't quite as warm as I was hoping, we headed to the zoo from the doctor and spent the next couple of hours riding the carousel (another first) and seeing the animals. Most every animal was visible this trip so as the boys rode in the wagon I got some much needed exercise going up first one hill and then another. Next we stopped at Sonic for a bite of lunch and then home where they collapsed for a three hour nap. Kathy joined us for dinner at Margarita House...a fitting choice as this was the first restaraunt we went to on the night of their homecoming. I decided to take just one more day off from work today(Jan 2) to spend the anniversary of that homecoming with them. We did nothing special...just enjoyed a pajama day with lots of movies and playtime and my getting them back on a schedule fitting for work and school. I have learned so much from them this past year and I am so thankful for these two boys that are teaching me many lessons as we travel this adoption journey together. Happy Gotcha Day 2011! the first of many to come...

Love, love, love me some Jacob!

Always smiling! Joseph is my strong, silent, sensitive little man

Just as it was a year ago this day...Kathy has been entwined in this journey since the beginning

It only took a year to get a frameworthy picture of the three of us!!

Merry Christmas!

December 2011...what a difference a year makes, huh. Last year I struggled with the distance between me and my sons...this year I played Santa again and reveled in the fact that yes, they are home.

We had a rough month prior to and just after Christmas with first one illness and then another taking over. Jacob had a terrible virus requiring two trips to the doctor, blood work, and a chest x-ray to convince me it was just a virus (it is hard to persuade a nurse, especially one who specializes in pediatric oncology!). He ran a fever up to 105 for a solid week and just laid in my arms saying "help me Mama." Then both boys got head colds which led to Jacob's first ear infection since surgery. All was topped off by Joseph's first stomach virus and vomiting for the first time ever. Thankfully that one was short lived and did not spread beyond him. Both are well for the moment but I hold my breath every time one of them coughs!

I managed to get the boys by to see Santa Claus prior to the busy time of the season and wish I had taken a video camera. Joseph delighted in running to Santa and once I explained that this was their first Christmas here, Santa very patiently explained how Christmas worked, up to and including the reindeer pulling the sleigh. It was precious and the smile on Joseph's face priceless. Jacob managed a high five and sat in big sis Kathy's lap for a picture. Let's just say he was curious but not a fan.

Christmas celebrations began with my siblings, niece and nephew, and all of my children and grandchildren. It was one big germ fest as my two were not the only ones not feeling up to par. They wasted no time however as gifts were presented and each opened the first of many. Next came Christmas Eve at my Uncle's house where Joseph and Jacob met some family members for the first time. Christmas Eve night my older three children came over with their families and shared dinner, and gifts. Then Christmas morning David and Kathy came over to wake the boys and video and take pictures of their first American Christmas celebration. All in all a wonderful celebration with precious family time and wonderful gifts. Needless to say, the most priceless gift was having all of my children home with me this year.

The grandchildren. Michael (6), Colten (5), Kensley (4), and Emmalynn (3 months)

Joseph going to spread some reindeer food

One of those rare smiles. Jacob is very stingy with them when the camera is around.

Thanks Santa!

My children, Kathy, Amy, David, Joseph, and Jacob

Thank you for my home!

Thanksgiving. A time to reflect on the blessings of the year, a time to celebrate with friends and family, a time as pastor Pat puts it to examine ways I have been a blessing to others. This year has been an amazing experience! I am so very thankful to have Joseph and Jacob home for the holidays. As we look forward to Christmas, I can't help but remember this time last year when my heart yearned to be in Ethiopia with my boys. A time of great expectation, sorrow, and overwhelming joy. No, they were not home for the American celebrations, but instead in God's perfect timing were here for the Ethiopian Christmas celebration. I know each emotion well and so I know the journey many others are on at this very moment. I still feel that a part of my heart is in Ethiopia. I hurt for each of you waiting for that phone call/e-mail for travel.

I must offer up praise to my son Joseph in this post. Thanksgiving dinner was before us and my sister asked who would offer the blessing. In a room full of adults, Joseph spoke up and said he would pray. I think I held my breath for a minute (you never know what is coming!) but became the proud Mama as he began to quietly sing "God Our Father," a song he has learned at school. As the song came to an end he paused and then added, "and thank you for my home." Kind of puts it all in perspective and lets me know that he gets it. That it's not about all of the toys and other things in life. Yes Lord, thank you for my home! Thank you that I had the courage to say yes to your calling down this road. Thank you for each ounce of strength you afford me and for the opportunity to raise these boys in the home you called their own from the very beginning of their lives!

Happy 2nd birthday Jacob!

Jacob celebrated his 2nd birthday last Monday, 11-7. The day was filled with emotion as I reflected to a year ago when I was in Ethiopia for the first time meeting him and Joseph. We met on the 8th of November 2010 and the only regret is that I did not know he was celebrating a birthday at that time. The day started with a big smile as I sang happy birthday to him. Joseph was quite excited at that time also but quickly became jealous over the attention and told me I hadn't given him a party:) to which I pulled out the pictures and video to remind him of his celebration. Though Jacob wouldn't get out of my lap to open his gifts he quickly got into opening presents and immediately began to play. We celebrated after work and school at our favorite restaurant, Margarita House. There were more presents with his sisters, brother-in-law, and nieces and nephew. Have I mentioned he has a new niece?? Born 9-12, Ms Emmalynn is the light of his life. He just loves holding her, saying her name, and touching her head and hands! The birthday celebration wrapped up on Saturday with a Thomas party and some friends and lots of family showering him with attention. He was hesitant to blow out the birthday candles and began eating his cake prim and proper with a fork, ending with hands and a slap to both sides of his face.

Jacob is in his big boy bed now and is doing quite nicely, having stayed in bed every night since this transition. His teacher at school is frequently reminding me how smart this little guy is. He is counting, trying to say his ABC's, and reading! Yes, reading! The children's names are on the back of each chair. At snack time he pulls the chairs out, reads the name, and places it at the appropriate place at the table! My little genius boy he is. Oh, and there hasn't been anymore biting since the ear tubes were placed. Perhaps my theory was correct and he was biting to relieve the pressure in his ears. Love that boy! Happy birthday little man!!



At Margarita House

With sister Kathy

Some of his birthday loot!

Wrestling with nephew Colten

You might say he enjoyed the birthday cake!