Monday, March 19, 2012

Big decisions

My soul is restless as I find myself back in a familiar place. Adoption changes your life forever. Adoption gets in your blood. Seeing lives change so drastically is wonderfully amazing. It took me 48 years to say yes to God's calling in my life. Most days I feel I barely get it right. As a single parent it is tough to be all things at all times. Yet since arriving home last January with Joseph and Jacob...actually, since beginning the adoption journey months earlier...I felt this would not be the last time I walked this pathway. As time has gone on I found myself comfortable. I am blessed beyond words with two boys who are healthy and happy, who seem adjusted most of the time, whom I put to bed at 730 and don't hear from until 630 or 7 the next morning. Two boys who are used to (and love) the daycare experience and seem to understand that I must work to provide all that we have. God doesn't like comfortable.

I had a dream two nights ago. In this dream I was handed a baby girl and had the split second decision to save her life or let her die. I had just given birth to this child (definitely metaphoric) and she was not breathing and had a look on her face of death. Of course, I chose life and began mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Moments later there was another child on the way...a daughter I knew. Sunday morning the dream was so vivid and I began to ponder it's meaning. It took no time to understand that I do have this choice. I can choose to give another child life (perhaps two) or I can remain comfortable.

Why me God? Why is it that the same people are called repeatedly to this journey? Why can't the others simply do their part and the orphan crisis would cease to exist? I choose to live in the perfect center of God's will for me and for some crazy reason it appears I could be expanding my family again. Joseph recently asked for a little sister and I laughed and told him there was nothing else little coming in the house. I think God has something else in mind. I believe he has my daughter already chosen!!

Again, I ask why. I have my nice little house just as I want it, with hardwood floors installed in memory of my mother after her passing. I will need a bigger house. I have a car that seats four comfortably with room for two car seats only. I will need a bigger car. I have one about to start school and was rejoicing at the "pay raise" from no more daycare expense for him. Hmmm, could it be that this money will help pay the adoption expenses. Certainly I wouldn't feel the pain of another child in daycare. I should receive an inheritance from my Grandfather's estate. He passed away the end of January. What a legacy to use this for the adoption of his great granddaughter. I will most likely be committing professional suicide with another adoption. I am criticized regularly for what others perceive as lack of dedication to my job because of the time required to care for Joseph and Jacob if they get sick. Yet I was reminded in prayer last week that Christ promised we would be persecuted for choosing to follow him, so why should I expect anything different. I cannot even fathom fund raising with these two in tow. I have sold most of the baby items and will have to begin anew.

I ask for your prayers as I seek to follow HIS will for my life. I struggle knowing how old I will be when these children graduate from college. Joseph has begun to point out his skin color and today asked why mine was different. That doesn't bother me or him now, but will it him in a few years?

In a short update, the boys are doing great. In comparison to last year their health is wonderful. Spring has sprung early and the allergies have kicked in but we can live comfortably with that. Joseph continues to love "school" and is looking forward to his 5th birthday. He starts soccer next week. I've never done soccer before so this should be interesting. Jacob is two! Not much more to say than that he meets every definition of terrible two. Yet at the same time he can be so gentle and loving...well with his baby niece Emmalynn anyway. Hmmm again...perhaps God warming him up to the idea of a little sister! He is now wearing the same size clothes that Joseph wore when he first came to America. Amazing...simply amazing.